a prayer?

prayer at 8-
"Heidi are you ready to accept Jesus into your heart, because you know if you are not all the sins you commit after this point you are held accountable for. Mommy and Daddy cannot save you from hell now", says my father (who happens to be my pastor at the time when I was 8).
"Yes dad, I want to go to heaven I want to be with all of you, not in hell" (because who in the world would want that- thinks my 8 year old logic).
"Alright then, repeat after me, Father forgive me for my sins and cleanse me of all of my unrighteousness, protect me from evil and from people that would cause me to fall into sin, come into my heart and help to always follow you and nothing else, thank you Jesus for coming into my heart, AMEN."
I continue to repeat the words my father has just given to me that at the time I didn't fully know but he is my father he would never mislead me.
So yes I accept all of this and now I am 'clean' and now I will go to 'heaven' thank you Jesus.
prayer at 12-
"Heidi have you seen your friend meghan lately her parents were looking for her and they asked if you had seen her", my mother asks.
"No mom, not since school yesterday, she said though at school she had a big fight with her parents I just thought it was the normal stuff, but she said she would go to the internet cafe and hang out there and then go home", (why in the world is she asking me this, what has meghan done now, man can't she just stay out of drama for a day).
"Ok, well they were just wondering, here's your lunch have a good day at school", my moms face seems almost as if she wanted me to stay home as well.
" ok, thanks mom see ya later" , (Oh gosh! meghan is fine she is just always looking for attention can't she just grow up. Goodness now shes got my mom acting weird and soon her parents will be over here and they'll start a prayer meeting or something like that).
I start walking out of our philippine hut style home, dust everywhere because no roads are ever really roads at all.
Across the street I can hear the roosters crowing (they do it all day not just in the morning cartoons have lied to you).
Then I started to feel this overwhelming sense of fear. I stop for a moment look around me and see no one, look down at my feet covered in dirt my slippers (flip-flops) almost completely broken due to over use, and I think for a moment what if something horrible happened? what if she is hurt? what if something has happened to her? what in the world was I thinking saying all those things? what is the matter with me?
I say this prayer:
"God, please forgive me for what I have said, please where ever meghan is please protect her be with her. Please God don't let anything bad happen to her, I'll do anything please God please God keep her safe."
Then I cry (this may seem not very odd to you, but at the time I hadn't cried since I was 6).
Then running up along side of me are some of the bible school students from my fathers ministry.
I guess my mom sent them to keep an eye on me, I'm not so mad at her now.
We walk, joke a little.
Over the years after all I've seen and done I think anyone thats been around death can almost feel it... and in that moment I did.
Its abnormal sensation it completely permeates your entire body.
I feel stiff and unmovable.
I look in this pit (where I usually would have no reason to look, but I look).
I see all the trash from throughout the week piled upon each other, and amongst it I see a bulge of sorts poring out of this pit (as if it had been stuffed).
I look and it does not look like garbage or waste of any sort (even though it looks as if it had been treated as such).
I look and I see a form, a form I wish I would have never seen.
I can't think and I can't breathe all I can do is look.
We walk close the others stronger than me. They pull it out of the ditch open the bag.
That was the last time I ever saw Meghan Acupan, and the last time I think I ever really prayed or wanted to.
prayer at 18-
"Heidi do you really want to do this, I mean are you sure you want to go through with all of this, its not going to be easy" says my mentor (and acting father, I'll just call him the doctor).
"I'll be fine, I have to do this, I've seen to much to know that I can't just take the easy road now, I have to do something I have to stop this, and I have to stop it now. The only way to do that is to fight this in the courts in the states, there I think people will hear what I have to say, my words and my stories they have to know what is happening."
I get on this plane after one last hug.
I fly on this plane squished between two people.
One of which is looking at the absurd article on weight-loss through drinking one liquid and that alone (but in my mind I wonder huh? does it work... silly me of course not)
The other is reading over their many calculations for a board meeting and I catch a few grammatical errors of which I want to so badly fix (even though through this I'm sure you will find many)... maybe while he sleeps I can do that, would that be strange?
With nothing left to do I opt to go to the bathroom.
I move slowly and painfully past this individual walking and walking and then I feel it again the feeling that I haven't felt since I was 12.
I feel stiff and unmovable, but still yet I move to the bathroom.
I can't make a scene not in front of people I do not know and will never see again...no I can't do this.
I am suppose to be strong I am suppose to change this injustice!
I can't do it... I can't... I haven't since then... since meghane... I can't be weak not now, no one can see me this way.
I get to the bathroom finally, door closed and I feel it... one drop and then another.
Its funny how hard it is to start and how difficult to stop.
I feel as if a rushing force of sorts is pushing its way out of me.
I sit down I look at my feet.
This time I have shoes they are nice, pretty even.
They are black with a little heel, and shiny.
I look in the mirror and I see my face, and I see the years that have flown by, the fights, the memories... all of it I see.
I look and I cry.
I then say something I did not want to say and to some degree don't believe I meant, but I say it out of this urge that comes from something and somewhere deep in me (was this something my parents had drilled in me? what was this need to turn to this figure that I wasn't even sure gave a damn about me let alone even was real).
desperation is the only word I can think of that describes this moment.
desperation...
"God please help me...help me to be strong...help me to know how to face him... I have to save my brother... this person is not going to hurt him the way he hurt me... I have to protect him... people have to know what happened for 6 years... they have to know...I have to tell them... it has to end... please help me."
I cry.
6 years later-

" Dear Heidi,
Thank you so much for all you've done for me. thank you so much for your love and concern. You saved me from that hell. You brought me here, and put me through school. I'm alive today because of you. I'm just sorry that you had to stand in that place. I'm sorry you had to stand in that court and say those things to people that were suppose to be our family and never acted as such. I'm sorry that you had to be so strong. I'm sorry that I wasn't ever as strong as you.
I miss you so much, I know you warned me against coming back home on this trip. But I'm really in love with this girl, I think I want to marry her.
I know I'm only 18, and you don't like her very much, but I think if you spent some time with her you might like her, and hey don't hold it against her that she can beat you in cards every time.
I love you so much, you are the best friend and best person I have ever known. You gave me everything, and I want you to know that even though you've lost someone this year that you care about, you have me and no matter what ever happens just remember you stood in that court against advice, reason and our family and you did the right thing ( I know that he did not get the punishment he deserved, but Heidi you are still here and so am I).
I love you, please, you don't have to always be so strong, and I'm so proud of you for depending on people that you don't even know during this time, I've never seen you do this before.
I'm so proud of you for opening yourself up to his friends like this and being their friend. I'm sure they have no idea the struggle. Remember what you told me that night when you 8 and I was so much younger ha.
I'm sorry you had to do that... I'm sorry you've seen so much and hurt so much... but I think amongst it all you've become an amazing person.
Heidi the last few years after things didn't go well in the court you stopped talking about it. You stopped fighting, and now I'm afraid that you are just getting by. This isn't you Heidi, I know you, and you are better than this. Just because he didn't pay in that moment and got away with all the horrible things he did to you, please don't give up please don't stop loving people and stop having hope... please no matter what "stay true"... and I know this is hard for you but maybe pray.
I love you so much."
I just got this letter it had been lost in the mail. It's funny but for a moment I had forgotten that he just died almost two months ago.