I loved being there with people who knew me... for so long.
To come back here to people who know nothing of me (I feel I've lost motivation to try and further that with full effort) is nothing shy of sadness for me.
I keep replaying last year over and over in my mind. Why?
I'm not sure yet, I think it might have something to do with hope and faith.
Hope in a time that seemed more meaningful and love for everyone that seem truthful lacking negative disdain and a tendency to desire some amount of return policy on said "love".
Faith that there is still the ability to have that. I think that for now it is difficult because for one I feel alone in this search (but I guess we all like to think that even though we profess not to).
Another point to make is something that I want to be very careful of is that through this search that I don't begin to in my struggle to avoid the critical cynicism that comes with minds that I spoke of early that I don't myself start to adopt that sort of negative outlook.
As silly as it is, I would rather surround myself with people who found joy in anything (even if they seemed simple to the great academics) then surround myself with people that find some kind of criticism in everything and everyone ( and these are the great minds).
It makes me wonder about what we have excepted as being great... as intelligence...
Whenever I look back on my life and all the struggle and the overcoming I never see it as something that was so hard and I'm glad its over (to some degree yes I am), but I look back and remember all the things that made life worth living. All the moments that calumniated to form this beautiful life.
I read so much growing up, book after book after book. Most things I know are self taught, but in all those things I searched for answers and understanding of experiences I felt and things I dealt with, but in the end it seemed futile. In the end as simple and unintelligent as it may seem the answer always seemed to come in the same way... through an act of pure unadulterated love... in the simplest of means.
To some degree I feel a bit of sorrow for the negativity I constantly hear. For the critical attitudes from all individuals and even this criticism is turned on people they call their "friends".
16 years old-
I went to the market today for Uncle Brian to get some of the things he asked me to. When I was there I ran into him. He was the one. The one responsible for so much pain not just for myself but for all those around me, and when I saw him the response I should have felt was angry resentment and pure hatred. But when I looked into his eyes I saw something I didn't expect to... I saw his humanity and for that moment I realized that he wasn't the great evil I thought, and that in the end the thing I felt was all those moments of love I had felt from great people and real friends. All those moments of kindness without strings attached. With that all I could do was share that even with someone who was unlikely to do so for. I think in the end the thing I want to know I did well was love... I know that there can be so many things analyzed in this by people much more intelligent then myself, but for a moment just one...can we have time when there is no reasoning no further criticism please just for this moment is it possible, and if it is why is it wrong in a balanced manner?
Friday
Why?
What?
When?
Where?
How?
The more I listen the more I feel a deep sense of sadness over everything I've seen and heard.
I feel sorrow... for all these resources and all this knowledge and the inevitable arrogance that seems to be tied in along with the individuals that spend their young lives thus far in a world full of books, papers, thoughts, ideas, words...words...words...
In the end all I know is that to reduce life... to reduce the pain... the desperation... the struggle that an individual undergoes when there is an experience of actual pain and suffering in a mental, physical, and emotional sense to take away from life without this experience that knowledge through a purely abstract (when I refer to this word I strictly mean being of a individual who has not for their own experience interacted with such experiences but merely feeds on the experience of other individuals, and then consider themselves well versed in such things, and almost an expert, when they themselves have not felt, smelt, or even touched any of the things they attempt to gain knowledge and say they have understand through words of grandeur) manner can give this individual the ability to believe that they have any concept of the topic is beyond me and frankly I find this individuals patronizing, demeaning, insecure (I'll expound on this later) and well completely useless as a reference to understanding such experience or topics.
How can someone through all their knowledge of how evil should be explain through such great humanities as philosophy, psychology, theology etc. sit and explain to me in their most prestige way what evil is? how I am feeling? how this manner is accurate? Or how this thought is accurate or inaccurate? This in the end I have heard this amount of conversation from individuals who have never experienced anything that could be closely related to evil. These individuals have never felt... then how in the hell through a book and through feeding like vultures off of the experience and knowledge of others can they so pompesly presume to even attempt to make such bold thoughts and theories about things that they have know REAL knowledge on?
Explain this to me... I'd love to hear it.
The thing that I go further with that frustrates me so is that people actual respect this individuals and desire to become them???
This baffles me beyond anything. This person has never tasted the cake but they have read so many books about it and when they speak of this cake of they say it with such intellect and such a air about them that gives a sense that they are so superior and just far beyond our way of thinking.
I think that in the end my conclusion is that they are full of bullshit just like all of us. And just like all of us, they are full of more questons then ever before, to some degree I think that is why these individuals will never leave that realm. To leave that realm would render them unsuperior. To make them human again and take away this beautiful delussion that they have built for themselves that they really know what life is and they have reached "success".
But in the end it's just beautiful words, with alot of knowledge about something they have never taste for themselves.
What?
When?
Where?
How?
The more I listen the more I feel a deep sense of sadness over everything I've seen and heard.
I feel sorrow... for all these resources and all this knowledge and the inevitable arrogance that seems to be tied in along with the individuals that spend their young lives thus far in a world full of books, papers, thoughts, ideas, words...words...words...
In the end all I know is that to reduce life... to reduce the pain... the desperation... the struggle that an individual undergoes when there is an experience of actual pain and suffering in a mental, physical, and emotional sense to take away from life without this experience that knowledge through a purely abstract (when I refer to this word I strictly mean being of a individual who has not for their own experience interacted with such experiences but merely feeds on the experience of other individuals, and then consider themselves well versed in such things, and almost an expert, when they themselves have not felt, smelt, or even touched any of the things they attempt to gain knowledge and say they have understand through words of grandeur) manner can give this individual the ability to believe that they have any concept of the topic is beyond me and frankly I find this individuals patronizing, demeaning, insecure (I'll expound on this later) and well completely useless as a reference to understanding such experience or topics.
How can someone through all their knowledge of how evil should be explain through such great humanities as philosophy, psychology, theology etc. sit and explain to me in their most prestige way what evil is? how I am feeling? how this manner is accurate? Or how this thought is accurate or inaccurate? This in the end I have heard this amount of conversation from individuals who have never experienced anything that could be closely related to evil. These individuals have never felt... then how in the hell through a book and through feeding like vultures off of the experience and knowledge of others can they so pompesly presume to even attempt to make such bold thoughts and theories about things that they have know REAL knowledge on?
Explain this to me... I'd love to hear it.
The thing that I go further with that frustrates me so is that people actual respect this individuals and desire to become them???
This baffles me beyond anything. This person has never tasted the cake but they have read so many books about it and when they speak of this cake of they say it with such intellect and such a air about them that gives a sense that they are so superior and just far beyond our way of thinking.
I think that in the end my conclusion is that they are full of bullshit just like all of us. And just like all of us, they are full of more questons then ever before, to some degree I think that is why these individuals will never leave that realm. To leave that realm would render them unsuperior. To make them human again and take away this beautiful delussion that they have built for themselves that they really know what life is and they have reached "success".
But in the end it's just beautiful words, with alot of knowledge about something they have never taste for themselves.
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